Are You Over-Praising Your Child

As part of the self‑esteem (自尊) movement in the 1970s, parents were often told to give their children positive feedback along the lines of “Great job” or “You’re so smart.” But praise also has a dark side.

This is because praising the outcome (“It’s beautiful!”) or the person (“You’re so smart!”) encourages the child to focus on those things. He might feel performance anxiety and question the conditionality of your love. (“If I’m a smart boy when I do this, I must be a stupid boy when I don’t.”) He might become more motivated by a parent’s pleasure than by the process that led to it.

Praise what your child has control over. We communicate our values through praise, according to Patricia Smiley, a professor of psychological science. One of those values is autonomy, so it’s helpful to praise what your child has control over, such as the choices they made along the way of solving a problem or drawing a picture. This helps keep expectations realistic, she said, and it also encourages them to continue doing the activity.

Don’t praise by comparison. It can be tempting to praise a child’s achievement by casually comparing her with others. (“Wow, you jumped in the water all by yourself when your friend was too scared!”) Not only does this foster an unnecessary sense of competition, but it also doesn’t actually motivate younger children.

Also, be cautious of praise inflation. Children can sense when praise is not genuine. Consider simply describing what you observed your child doing, along with a neutral expression of delight: “Wow! You dug a big hole in the sandbox with your truck!” This strengthens the behavior and communicates that you’re paying attention without setting an unrealistic standard.